Sometimes I think about how many people will go to my funeral.

I don’t think there will be a lot of people there. Most of the people I know that would attend are family and friends. I have a lot of family, but I don’t honestly think that most of them will be around by the time I go. I have a few friends that will probably make it and maybe I’ll have settled down and married someone by then and hopefully she’ll be there, but other than that, I don’t anticipate a huge crowd of distraught people.

I watched the movie Hesher last night and there’s a funeral scene in it. There are maybe 8 people in the entire room during the service. A father and his son, a neighbor, and a handful of nameless grievers. Every time I see a scene like that in a movie, I feel like that’s what my service will look like.

That isn’t to say I think I’m unlikable. I have a decent amount of friends, but given the fact that most of them are online friends, I don’t know how many I’ll keep in touch with until then. I’ve recently made a few “real life” friends, but I don’t think any of them would show up.

My great grandpa died when I was 15 and it’s the first funeral I was old enough to remember vividly. He was absolutely beloved in every sense of the word. Everyone in the family loved him, everyone he knew loved him. He made an impact on every person he met. We all wept together at the loss of this beautiful, beautiful man. It was powerful.

I would love to think I’ll have affected that many people by the time I die, not out of some desire to be some kind of adored figure, just out of a genuine love for helping people out. But the reality is, I don’t do much for other people. I basically stay in my own house most of the time, focused on myself and my dog. That isn’t to say I’m selfish. I’d like to think I’m pretty accommodating to other’s needs and desires and almost pride myself on it, but the scenarios in which I can show that don’t present themselves to me that often because I am so god damn reclusive.

And I don’t know that I want to change it. I feel like I’m supposed to be quiet and keep to myself and not touch many peoples’ lives. I feel like that’s what my life will mostly be. I’ll have a few great friends who I will help and who will help me through hard times and that will be about it.

So I don’t think many people will come to my funeral.


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